Kiss Me (I'm Jewish)
by gaychowmein
Summary: Kyman. Cartman wants Kyle to go on a date with him and he will NOT take no for an answer.


**a/n**: my first attempt at kyman and south park fanfiction in general; i humbly apologize for how horrible it probably is.  
done for a prompt on tumblr and fixed up to finally tansfer over here(and possibly ao3)  
that prompt being:  
"pppprompts you say how about kyman?/ well you should write a hesitant first kiss (bonus if kyle is the one who's like "c'mon let's just do it u big baby kiss me already" and he can initiate it or w/e u want) ((is this what you meant by prompts))"

* * *

During their second year of middle school, Cartman 'officially' asks out Kyle. 'Officially', because this time he swears it's not a prank, there is no higher motive, no couple that Kyle was in danger of breaking, and Cartman actually _asks_ him. During lunch, one hand shoveling fried chicken in his mouth with no grace or consideration to those around him, the other pressed against his cheek and looking bored as ever, staying Kyle down across the table with the barest hint of anticipation in his eyes.

The rest of the table had grown quiet around them, and even a few tables near them.

"Um, _excuse _me?"

Cartman sighs like Kyle just asked the stupidest, most obvious question in the world, and slowly replies, enunciating every word like he was talking to a child, "I said, dumb_ass_, do you want to go on a date with me this Friday night?"

Kyle goes quiet again for a moment, and Cartman actually has the decency to start looking a little flustered. The fatass goes to open his mouth to snap something, only to be met with a half-eaten chicken wing to the face. Cartman jumps up, spluttering in surprise. "Hey! The fuck was that for jew boy?"

Kyle says nothing, grabbing his backpack and stomping out of the cafeteria in a manner drama actors take years to perfect.

The cafeteria goes silent completely, everyone staring at either Cartman or the door Kyle slammed through in shock. It seemed to stretch for hours, but in reality only a minute at most, before finally the silence is broken.

"You just got _so_ fucking rejected, dude," Kenny sniggered, tugging the zipper on his worn out hoodie down slightly and swiftly stealing the chicken-wing-turned-projectile and shoving it in his mouth.

That was on a Wednesday. The next day at school, Cartman storms up to Kyle while he's attempting – and failing – to teach Stan algebra in the library. Cartman slams his meaty fist onto the table. Stan takes one look between them before going back to making paper airplanes out of his math homework. Kyle stares coolly up at Cartman, crossing his arms. The librarian glares at them. They ignore her.

"What do you want, fatass?"

"Well first off, _Kahl_," Kyle's eyebrow twitched, "I think you owe me something for publically humiliating me in front of the whole school. Like dinner. Or something."

"How about or something, I think you could benefit from going without a few dinners." Kyle shot back, slapping at Stan's hands before the other boy could shoot a paper airplane at an annoyed looking Red a few tables over. "The only one who humiliated you was you, jackass, what kind of stunt are you trying to pull?"

"I'm not trying to pull any stunt!" Cartman looked agitated now.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah, fucktard, what do I have to _prove_ it to you or something?"

Kyle leans back in his chair and crosses his arms. "Prove all you want, like hell I'm getting roped into one of your stupid schemes again,"

"I told you," He ground out. "This isn't a scheme."

"Sure it isn't. Why the hell would I want to date you anyway? I'm not even gay. Are _you_ even gay?"

"Puh-lease, everybody knows you and Stan made-out at Token's party last year."

Stan makes a displeased noise and buries his face in his textbook. "One fucking time dude," He mumbled.

"Besides, It doesn't matter, dumbass. So, go out with me Friday."

Kyle picks up his textbook and pointedly flips it open. "No. Fuck off."

On Friday, Kyle goes all day without seeing Cartman. Which is almost concerning, considering they share three classes throughout the day. Kyle can't quite bring himself to care though, deciding to enjoy the school day without Eric around.

Kyle starts to think Cartman has finally given up on his scheme by last period. Leaving the school shorty after with Stan and Kenny and Butters in tow, he finds out quickly that he was wrong.

Cartman is there waiting just outside the gates, a single rose in hand and a very, very grumpy look on his face.

"Oh, my god," Stan is looking embarrassed enough for both of them, Butters doesn't looked put off in the slightest and sends Cartman a discreet thumbs up, and Kenny is almost doubled over in his laughter.

Kyle glares at Kenny. Stan takes the hint and fulfills his Super Best Friend Duties of the day and shoves Kenny. Kenny falls over, and laughs even harder.

Kyle huffs at his friends and storms away towards Cartman. As soon as they get within a feet of each other Kyle snaps out, "Okay, you are not being fucking serious right now. You are _not_."

Cartman says nothing, shoving the rose towards Kyle. "Okay, fine, listen. You think I'm doing this to screw you over or make some quick money or something stupid like that, but it's not, okay?" He waves the rose slightly in Kyle's face as the redhead had yet to take it, and eventually growls before smacking Kyle's cheek with it. Kyle's face twists into a glare again and he finally takes the rose.

"Just say yes, to one fucking date," Cartman's face twists up like he's debating between just leaving now or going through with his words. "_Please_."

"…Fine." Kyle ignores Cartman's surprised looked and continues before the brunette can open his mouth and say anything. "One date, you're fucking paying, if this turns out to be a scheme I will cut your balls off and sell them to City Wok to make as dumplings then feed them to you, and if you try to give me AIDs again so help me God,"

"Okay, okay! Fuck, Christ, I get it." Cartman smirks. "So we're going on a date."

Kyle sighs. "Yes, Cartman, we're going on a date."

"Fucking kick ass."

Cartman hadn't given much time for Kyle to decide if he should actually go back on his decision or not, and before he knew it they were set up in a small booth at Raisin's, munching away on fries and burgers and occasionally taking not-so-subtle stares at the working girls, though Cartman mainly stayed focused on Kyle. It was surprisingly nice and Kyle was almost thrown off by the lack of true insults thrown between them. Most of them just seemed like habit for both of them by now.

After they finished eating, Cartman tried to whine and coerce Kyle into paying. Kyle glared and reminded him of his promise. Cartman mumbled about bullshit, and proceeded to try and flirt his way into a free meal to the waitress. Kyle snickered into his coke the whole time as Cartman batted his lashes and showered the Raisin's girl with compliments, nearly choking on an ice cube when she agrees to give them half off.

Leaving the restaurant, the two boys walked slowly down the sidewalk side by side. "Okay, I gotta admit fatass, that was pretty impressive." Kyle laughs, letting his hand hang an little bit closer to Cartman's then he'd usually be comfortable with.

"Whatever, that bitch was so fucking cheap, I can't believe she didn't give us the free meal," Cartman huffed, but Kyle could see he was actually pretty proud of his coercing talent. "I'm gorgeous, I deserve free meals."

"Sure you do," Kyle rolls his eyes. "Maybe some free lipo after too?"

"Fuck you." Cartman snaps back, pushing at Kyle's shoulder more roughly than intended. Atleast, Kyle hoped, because that actually kind of fucking hurt and he barely kept himself from skidding into a shop they passed.

"Asshole,"

They were nearing Kyle's house now, and the air between them was slowly getting more awkward, which Kyle called bullshit on, because the rest of the evening hadn't been _that _awkward, what the fuck.

"So," Walking up the steps and stopping at his door, the two looked around, avoiding each other's eyes. "Gonna kiss me now, fatass?" Kyle intended it as a joke, the most cliché romantic movie thing to do. But Cartman starts looking flustered and his cheeks stain an ugly red.

"Uh, fuck, no way, dude." Kyle watches Cartman and tries to meet his eyes but Cartman has found the icicle clinging to Kyle's roof the most interesting fucking thing to look at suddenly, like look wow how the fuck did it get so perfectly shaped, it could fall right now and stab him through the skull like a dagger nature's dagger wow nature, science, cool ass shit man.

"C'mon, what, afraid to kiss me now?" Kyle leans in closer to him, a challenging glint appearing in his eyes.

"Hell no I ain't afraid to kiss nobody!"

"Oh yeah?" Kyle got closer, grinning as Cartman snapped to look at him and the two locked into a glare. "Betcha can't kiss me, fatass, bet I'm a better kisser then you too."

Cartman mumbles out something before pushing Kyle back, only to rethink and pull him closer, smashing their lips together awkwardly. It's too forceful and Cartman opens his mouth too soon and teeth scrape at Kyle's lips and _fuck that hurt, you inexperienced asshole, let me lead_.

The two break apart and Kyle looks a little peeved but mostly curious because he just _kissed_ Cartman and that thought is catching up to him and he just went on a date with _Eric fucking Cartman_ and kissed him oh god. He's a little late to the realization of, oh no, he's hot.

Cartman looks slightly embarrassed and kind of angry and _will quit looking at me like that jewboy what's your problem?_

Kyle says nothing and opens the door to his house, slamming the door on his way in and ignoring Cartman's angry yell from outside.

Hurrying up to his room he throws open his window and leans out. "Hey, fatass!"

Cartman looks up from his busy work of kicking at Kyle's mail box – how in the hell did he get there so fast and, _really_, is he resorting to property destruction just from you slamming the door in his face? – and stares up in surprise.

"Thanks for dinner. You suck at kissing, by the way, I'm totally better." Grinning as Cartman's expressions whiz from surprise to faint happiness back to annoyance Kyle closes his window before the other boy decides to try and throw anything up at him.


End file.
